Archive | August 2012

Chapter 2- Start With You

Please find an excerpt from Chapter 2- Start With You; an investigation into belief systems and how they effect what we attract into our lives.

Chapter 2:  Start with You

These are self-esteem battering and, at worst, abusive relationships and unless you want to keep experiencing the same death march each time I strongly advise you take a deep breath, embrace a new approach and follow these steps to Mr Right. But first it starts with you and the way you perceive yourself; how you feel about yourself. If you are ready to be honest with yourself and do some soul searching (it doesn’t have to be a long and arduous task) and embrace a new approach you are halfway there!

I have asked myself time and time again, ‘Why have I deserved this treatment again?’ and even wondered why the world was punishing me. Why were most of my friends settled down and living happy healthy relationships and lives and here am I trawling through painful relationship after painful relationship getting it wrong time and time again. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t they see what a catch I was? I’m intelligent, loving, caring, independent, vivacious and positive. It took me over a decade to dissect the questions I was asking only to realise that I was asking the wrong questions. The question was not, “What was wrong with me?” but “Why am I attracting the wrong man for me?” The question was not, “Why can’t they see what a catch I am?” but “Why couldn’t I see what a good catch I was?” What was wrong with me was that I had allowed my sense of self-worth and self-esteem to be dictated and defined by the way these men had treated me. I had somehow subconsciously agreed that I had deserved it and in doing so kept on attracting the same type of man into my experience.

Now I imagine you’re reading this now protesting, “No I have a high sense of self-esteem and self-worth!”   I did. Well if that is the case why do we keep attracting and staying with the same kind of unavailable men who hold us in such unsatisfying and negative situations? The answer is; it is us. It is we who are holding ourselves in this unhappy and unhealthy situation, we who have chosen this path and we who have chosen this man.  What we need to ask ourselves is, “Why have we chosen this particular man and path?” and “What are our expectations?” Do we deep down, expect these men to walk away from us, to hurt us and abandon us or do we expect this man to offer us an equal loving and stable relationship based on honesty and mutual respect? If we are expecting the latter and getting the opposite and stay what does this say about our sense of self-worth; our sense of self-esteem? Equally if we are expecting the worst and receive the worst and stay put the same question can be posed, what does this say about our sense of self-worth; our sense of self-esteem?

Belief Systems

Belief systems are deeply ingrained beliefs we have about ourselves and the world around us. These are created and formed at an early age and affected by experiences and events we experience. Our belief systems can be affected by the way we are treated by others or made to feel. They can also be affected by other peoples’ opinions or perceptions. For example, if as a child, you are told by people in “authority” or “authoritative positions” over and over again that you are clumsy, thick and will never get anywhere it is most likely the child not only hear these words, they will ‘feel’ these words and associate these words with themselves. Every time they hear them they begin to believe these words apply to them. They will live out these words and most likely fulfil these false prophecies formed by someone else’s misguided opinion.  If they are told they are “unlovable” as a child and they experience a lack of love from those who are meant to love them, most likely they will find it harder to accept and believe they deserve to be loved just for being who they are. Perhaps they will try and change who they really are in order to fit in or conform hence deep in their deep belief system they believe that in order to be loved they must conform; they must not be themselves. How long can a person live this way, concealing who they really are? How can a person really truly love themselves if they cannot be themselves? Truly. How healthy is it to live your life believing that to be loved you need to live by someone else’s standards? Everyone deserves to be loved. No one is any more or less worthy. However, when we live through these kinds of experiences without being fully aware of the affects upon our own thinking or sense of self we become littered with false and dangerous belief systems that have been dictated to us by those who, quite often, already have negative belief systems about themselves.

If we as a child have been abandoned or neglected, we may as adults suffer from a deep seated fear of abandonment. We may fear that everyone we become close to will eventually leave and abandon us. We may end up catering so heavily to someone elses’ needs that we forget our own. This relationship is unhealthy and based on the belief system that you are not worthy enough to be loved. If you have not placed your needs, wants and desires high up on that ladder of importance why would or should anyone else? I am a big believer that whatever thoughts we hold in our belief system we will attract. Like attracts like. That what we focus on the most will always transpire into our conscious lives. Have you ever been in a situation when you’ve feared the worst and when the worst happens you say, almost triumphantly, “I knew that was going to happen!”? Well of course it did it’s what you believed to be true! In the past, the relationships I had attracted and the men I had chosen perfectly matched my deep rooted belief that I didn’t deserve to be loved and that I will eventually be bitterly let down. Well at least a perfect match! How could I possibly be a victim when I have simply attracted what I believed to be true?

Change your thinking and your thinking will change you!!

Below is a really interesting link about Fear of Abandonment. An insightful read.

http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/abandonment.html

Chapter 1-The Wrong Relationships

Types of unhealthy relationships

 

The Waltzer

 

This relationship is everything you could wish for in a ride. It’s thrilling, exciting and full of surprises. You are so swept away with the excitement, it’s seemingly never ending. Then..It abruptly stops. While this is great as a ride, it’s not a sustainable relationship. These relationships are usually offered by The Dreamers, The Serial Liar and Mr Loose Eye. The relationship often comes to an abrupt ending when The Dreamer realises that he can no longer sustain his flamboyant façade or indeed fulfill any of the promises he made to you at the beginning of the relationship leaving a puff of cloud in his wake. The Serial Liar will usually offer a longer Waltzer ride as he believes his lies and at times is so convincing the ride can be long term. And Mr Loose Eye? Well whilst we’re still enjoying the ride he’s already jumped off into some other poor, unfortunate soul’s bed and consequently life leaving you to connect the dots.  Jump off while you can

 

 

 

Hook-A-Duck

 

This is where a woman desperately tries to snare her man only to see him slip through her hook time and time again with an unfazed expression glued to his face. After countless attempts the woman wishes she had a rifle from the cuddly toy stall to shoot that duck down! These types of non-committed relationships are often offered by The Dreamers, The Drifters and The Workaholic. They are quite content with offering the absolute minimum whilst the woman does all the work. Of course they wear unfazed expressions. You are doing all the work! Their nonchalant attitude feeds and breeds your insecurities and determination to keep hooking and hooking until you eventually blow. As a result, he finally comes alive with the inevitable curses such as, “psycho”  “bunny boiler” and the classic old “neurotic.” However this man remains oblivious that he is the catalyst to this ‘neurotic’ behaviour. If he had not promised commitment and security from the start and been honest about the type of relationship he wanted instead of drifting or disappearing she would not have felt the need to cling so tightly wondering what it was that was wrong with her that he could not follow through. Ladies there is nothing ‘wrong’ with you, you’re man just cannot commit.  He’s unavailable. Let him go and stop fishing!

Whilst these descriptions are “tongue in cheek” there are some insightful ways to explore these experiences and tips on how to deal with hurt and pain. Please see my post The Power of Forgiveness

In my next post I will be looking at why we attract these types of relationships and men over and over again.

Enjoy for now! Thoughts/ideas/perspectives again always welcome. Good or bad. 🙂

Chapter 1- The Many Shades of Mr Wrong- Mr Loose Eye, Mr Dreamer and Mr Parasite/Vampire

Chapter 1: Types of Mr Wrong

 

Mr Loose Eye

 

This guy has a revolving eye! Whilst looking you in the eye and telling you you’re the best thing since sliced bread, his revolving eye would be scanning the area for a sandwich! This one is easy to spot; whether it’s the darting eyes, snatching furtive looks at any attractive female within his range, the greedy licking of lips like a kid in a candy store about to dip their hand into the pic ‘n’ mix trough, or the blatant goggle eyed, drop jaw and gormless gawp over your shoulder as he puts his hand on your knee ‘reassuringly.’ Unless you like to ‘share’ he isn’t for you. Put him on his Bike!

The Dreamer

 

The Dreamer has lots of dreams, hopes and ambitions but nothing written down on paper. The Dreamer is often a charming man with a silver tongue and silky words that could convert the greatest cynic into a dedicated disciple. The Dreamer lures his woman with fanciful words, flattery and flamboyant ideas for the future. He will sweep you off your feet and into his cloud. However, sooner or later you’re wading through the cloud of dust wondering where he has gone, only to realise he’s at one with his bed (of dreams) with no real intention of settling down, landing that dream job, putting that sparkly ring on your finger, walking you down that aisle, being that fantastic father he never had or growing old together with you. Did he ever exist or was he a mere illusion? Leave well alone!

Ladies if you have experienced The Dreamer or Mr Loose Eye. I’d love to hear from you!

Other examples of Mr Wrong are Mr Drifter, Serial Liar, Mr Ex Factor and Mr Vampire..but more about those later…

Parasites and Vampires

 

Parasites and Vampires are the most dangerous of all.  Sometimes known as, ‘drainers,’ they are usually jealous, possessive or insecure types who need constant control and power. They’ll gain your heart by exposing their emotional side to you in the hope you’ll do the same. Before you know it, they’ve managed to expose your vulnerabilities, doubts and insecurities only for them to refer to and feed off these later. For example if you tell them you fear abandonment they’ll threaten to dump you and leave you every time you do something they don’t want you to do; for example go to a party with the girls or go on girls’ holiday. Their own deep seated insecurity of abandonment is transferred onto you. Another example could be you that after having told them you have been betrayed before they go out of their way to make you feel as if they could cheat on you if you displease them. They feed off your insecurities in order for them to grow taller; more powerful. This is knowingly or not, emotional abuse.

Other parasites or vampires could be emotionally needy men who drain your time, energy ad love for fear that you will abandon them. They need constant validation and reassurance and in doing so form an unhealthy attachment to you, whereby you become their private supply of all that’s positive in his life. These men can also often cause dramas, arguments and traumas in a desperate attempt to keep the relationship alive by creating urgent and dramatic situations that constantly demand your attention. A man must love himself before he can love another. A man must be secure in himself before he can provide security and equally share love with another. This is a sorry situation and you will always be his source of energy until you create boundaries and a sense of personal space with this type of man. Better still. Power up and find Mr Right.

 

Unavailable

These men all have one thing in common. They are UNAVAILABLE. Whether it be emotionally, mentally or physically. In light of this, one thing is for sure, if we learn from them and move on, we can grow from them spiritually both in strength and in wisdom. We may dwell on the pain and misery they have caused us but perhaps one thing we can thank Mr Wrong for is that, if identified quick enough and when we finally stop blaming and battering ourselves for not getting Mr Wrong to love us, we can recognise exactly what it is we don’t want and start focusing on exactly what it is we do!

Everything in your life is a reflection of a choice you have made. If you want a different result, make a different choice.”

I hope you have enjoyed reading The Many Shades of Mr Wrong. If you have experienced a “Mr Wrong” please do get in contact. I am collecting together stories and poems penned by women who have experienced toxic relationships and men who present us with them. Your contributions can be completely anonymous and are only used for positive: to inspire, unite and empower women through the sharing of our collective experiences of survival and overcoming. I would love to credit your story by publishing it in my forthcoming book.

Please post a link to story/poem and add me to your blogroll or drop me a line email me at dingdongitsmrwrong@yahoo.co.uk

Daniella x

For more examples of Mr Wrong check out

https://dingdongitsmrwrong.wordpress.com/2012/08/13/the-many-shades-of-mr-wrong-mr-loose-eye-mr-dreamer-and-mr-parasitevampire/

and these fabulous profiles sketched by Made-Anbessa-Ebanks

https://dingdongitsmrwrong.wordpress.com/2012/09/01/ding-dong-its-mr-wrong-sketches-have-arrived/

Welcome to My First Post!- Social Media

Welcome to my very first blog! As I write this I must thank Candy-Ellie Nanna for showing me how to set this up.

Source of Inspiration- Social Media

This book needs you! I am looking to create an open forum where we can share, discuss and explore our experiences with men. The term “Mr Wrong” is  controversial topic in itself. Is there such a thing as Mr Wrong or is the term, “Mr Wrong-for-you-right-now” more applicable?. Is there such a thing as Mr Right or is he more of an ideal? What makes a Mr Wrong or Mr Right anyway? Mr Wrong came about partly due to my own past experiences and having listened to experiences that sound all too scarily similar. Its heartbreaking to see so many of my thirty-something pals who I consider to be strong, intelligent, beautiful, vivacious, witty and  Continue reading