Chapter 2- Start With You

Please find an excerpt from Chapter 2- Start With You; an investigation into belief systems and how they effect what we attract into our lives.

Chapter 2:  Start with You

These are self-esteem battering and, at worst, abusive relationships and unless you want to keep experiencing the same death march each time I strongly advise you take a deep breath, embrace a new approach and follow these steps to Mr Right. But first it starts with you and the way you perceive yourself; how you feel about yourself. If you are ready to be honest with yourself and do some soul searching (it doesn’t have to be a long and arduous task) and embrace a new approach you are halfway there!

I have asked myself time and time again, ‘Why have I deserved this treatment again?’ and even wondered why the world was punishing me. Why were most of my friends settled down and living happy healthy relationships and lives and here am I trawling through painful relationship after painful relationship getting it wrong time and time again. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t they see what a catch I was? I’m intelligent, loving, caring, independent, vivacious and positive. It took me over a decade to dissect the questions I was asking only to realise that I was asking the wrong questions. The question was not, “What was wrong with me?” but “Why am I attracting the wrong man for me?” The question was not, “Why can’t they see what a catch I am?” but “Why couldn’t I see what a good catch I was?” What was wrong with me was that I had allowed my sense of self-worth and self-esteem to be dictated and defined by the way these men had treated me. I had somehow subconsciously agreed that I had deserved it and in doing so kept on attracting the same type of man into my experience.

Now I imagine you’re reading this now protesting, “No I have a high sense of self-esteem and self-worth!”   I did. Well if that is the case why do we keep attracting and staying with the same kind of unavailable men who hold us in such unsatisfying and negative situations? The answer is; it is us. It is we who are holding ourselves in this unhappy and unhealthy situation, we who have chosen this path and we who have chosen this man.  What we need to ask ourselves is, “Why have we chosen this particular man and path?” and “What are our expectations?” Do we deep down, expect these men to walk away from us, to hurt us and abandon us or do we expect this man to offer us an equal loving and stable relationship based on honesty and mutual respect? If we are expecting the latter and getting the opposite and stay what does this say about our sense of self-worth; our sense of self-esteem? Equally if we are expecting the worst and receive the worst and stay put the same question can be posed, what does this say about our sense of self-worth; our sense of self-esteem?

Belief Systems

Belief systems are deeply ingrained beliefs we have about ourselves and the world around us. These are created and formed at an early age and affected by experiences and events we experience. Our belief systems can be affected by the way we are treated by others or made to feel. They can also be affected by other peoples’ opinions or perceptions. For example, if as a child, you are told by people in “authority” or “authoritative positions” over and over again that you are clumsy, thick and will never get anywhere it is most likely the child not only hear these words, they will ‘feel’ these words and associate these words with themselves. Every time they hear them they begin to believe these words apply to them. They will live out these words and most likely fulfil these false prophecies formed by someone else’s misguided opinion.  If they are told they are “unlovable” as a child and they experience a lack of love from those who are meant to love them, most likely they will find it harder to accept and believe they deserve to be loved just for being who they are. Perhaps they will try and change who they really are in order to fit in or conform hence deep in their deep belief system they believe that in order to be loved they must conform; they must not be themselves. How long can a person live this way, concealing who they really are? How can a person really truly love themselves if they cannot be themselves? Truly. How healthy is it to live your life believing that to be loved you need to live by someone else’s standards? Everyone deserves to be loved. No one is any more or less worthy. However, when we live through these kinds of experiences without being fully aware of the affects upon our own thinking or sense of self we become littered with false and dangerous belief systems that have been dictated to us by those who, quite often, already have negative belief systems about themselves.

If we as a child have been abandoned or neglected, we may as adults suffer from a deep seated fear of abandonment. We may fear that everyone we become close to will eventually leave and abandon us. We may end up catering so heavily to someone elses’ needs that we forget our own. This relationship is unhealthy and based on the belief system that you are not worthy enough to be loved. If you have not placed your needs, wants and desires high up on that ladder of importance why would or should anyone else? I am a big believer that whatever thoughts we hold in our belief system we will attract. Like attracts like. That what we focus on the most will always transpire into our conscious lives. Have you ever been in a situation when you’ve feared the worst and when the worst happens you say, almost triumphantly, “I knew that was going to happen!”? Well of course it did it’s what you believed to be true! In the past, the relationships I had attracted and the men I had chosen perfectly matched my deep rooted belief that I didn’t deserve to be loved and that I will eventually be bitterly let down. Well at least a perfect match! How could I possibly be a victim when I have simply attracted what I believed to be true?

Change your thinking and your thinking will change you!!

Below is a really interesting link about Fear of Abandonment. An insightful read.

14 thoughts on “Chapter 2- Start With You

  1. This great and empowering. I went to the suggested link and related soooo much. Yes I have a lot to say in this area. And would love to feedback. Let’s speak. Blessings.

  2. yes i do hear what you are saying expecting things to wrong and being correct (self-fulfilling prophecy) but believe its not just down to the belief system sometimes we in our heart of hearts knew that we didnt like certain things about a partner but rationalize (maybe its not as bad as i thought, maybe they will change eventually, its the best option at the time) these relationships are doomed from start because invariably it is as bad as u thought the person doesnt change and there are better options if you look harder or are more patient and more importantly a ball is no good if what you want is a bat! why would that situation ever make you content? if you are a dog lover dont compromise and buy a cat! after that its about identifying what you want and being single minded about finding it now if it was that simple there wouldnt be a person in the world who was single so yes there is a element of luck in meeting someone who is right for you who is also looking for what you are but involving yourself in things you love and meeting people from these circles for instance can only improve your chances also sometimes we need to reassess people we already know I have quite a few friends who started as just friends for a long time before actually realizing they were what each other was looking for! so dont be afraid to look at someone in a different light after all most of us are friends because we indentify and communicate well with our friends and if you already have that what better base for a relationship can you have!

  3. Yeah I hear you on that. So many tines that inner voice or intuition us saying No No No and your mind rationalises it, ‘oh just a little bit longer. I can see a silver lining coming.” When really its a “oh no. Not done yet. Just one more kick to the stomach please then I’ll leave.” (not literally!) Yeah there’s a lot to be said for our own inner voice and gut feeling. Friendship should be the basis for any real relationship. Feel you on that one. Sometimes we attract people into our lives in any capacity to help us, or in some cases, force us to face our fears and question and challenge ourselves. Thus all helps with growth I guess and we can only be grateful. I guess its about learning and like you Saud discovering what exactly it is we need and want and addressing that. Thanks for the Food for Thought. Have you read The Wrong Relationships and The Many Shades of Mr Wrong? Peace J 🙂

    • That wishful thinking/rationalizing is a killer. I think the tendency to ignore that inner voice is related to low self-esteem, i.e., not valuing your own feelings. Deep down we know the truth, but it’s like we’re waiting for the other person to say, This isn’t working out.

      • Yes Bridget! You’re so right and then when they finally do the deed that voice goes, “see you’re being abandoned again. Theory proved!” When if we’d listened to that inner voice and communicated we could have either tried to create a change or wake up and recognise that we deserve, need and want better and get to going! So many of us don’t listen to that voice. (the inner one, not the self-battering one ;)) So true.

  4. You raise some interesting points. I think the biggest mistake many women make is in thinking they know what kind of man is right for them. We intellectualize what we want in a man without stopping to understand that what we think we want and what we actually need might not be the same thing. When we find the man who is everything we need, the relationship is different. I did not marry the man who met all my “requirements.” I married the man who gave me room to grow. We’ve been happily married for 17 years now. My husband is not 100% the man I envisioned I would end up with, but in many ways he’s better. I am infinitely glad I took the time to look beyond what he was not (ie., my picture-perfect man) to see what he was (the man I needed to make me a better woman). Just a thought.

    • Thank you for your input nowandzen. Of course, we may never get the man that ticks all of our boxes in fact, what we want and need may change. No body is perfect and I certainly do not believe in Mr Ideal or Mr Perfect. What I am saying though, especially if you have been in an unhealthy and abusive relationship or stayed in one that makes you unhappy so as not to rock the boat it is important to have boundaries and basic needs and wants that must be fulfilled. For example here are some of mine, I need a man who is reliable. I need a man who is kind and loving. I need a relationship that is equal. I need a relationship that is based on trust and respect. I want a man who is loving and affectionate. I want a man who is supportive. I want a relationship that is happy and healthy. I want a relationship where each other listens. If I have these basic wants and needs written down I create boundaries and expectations for myself. When these things or if these things go out if balance I can better address them or choose to move on. The reason for writing them down is because if you are prone to staying longer than you should in unhappy situations it is all too easy to abandon yourself and forget them. I hope this makes things clearer. Thus isn’t a list of picky things such as I want a man who is tall, dark and handsome. (although wait till you get to desires! 😉 ) It’s a basic set of requirements that are ultimately essential for having a happy relationship instead of one that makes you feel unhappy.

  5. This entry is inspiring. To achieve a successful, healthy relationship, you have to love yourself first. I try to express this to all of my single girlfriends. Focus on your own passions and the things that make you amazing – the rest will come.

    – K.

  6. Reblogged this on Lyrical Healer's Blog and commented:
    I really found this blog quite informative. Meet Daniella, who talks candidly about her dating experiences with Mr Wrong. My name is Daniella Blechner and I am writing a book called Mr Wrong after a decade of bad luck with the opposite sex. I no longer make a secret of it and claim it to empower others. I am putting together a collection of stories and experiences women and have encountered with Mr Wrong. The aim of the book is to empower, inspire and unite women by sharing our stories. It’s time to stop blaming and berating ourselves by getting rid of Mr Wrong and claiming Mr Right!

  7. I sometimes blame myself too. Although I have a wonderful hubby, sometimes we just don’t connect and I keep blaming myself. I feel bad sometimes, like I am a bad woman, but reading this post has helped me so much. Thank you Daniella Blechner, you are like my new therapist!

  8. Thank you for your lovely comments. I’m glad this was of help. Makes me even more determined to do what I’m doing here writing this book. It’s like one day the light switched in for me and I just woke up. X

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