An Excerpt from Chapter 10
Know what you Deserve
We are beautiful women, who are trained to remain strong and loving in adversity, to stand by our man through thick and thin. But what if our man is not sticking by us? What if we deserve better? First we must know better. Be crystal clear about your expectations from a man and a relationship. What is it you want, need and desire? What and where are your boundaries? What will you put up with and what will you not? What’s important for you? Until we ourselves know the answers to these questions we will be keeping our path open for the wrong man as the net spreads across the ocean. Why leave yourself open to everything and everybody when we can be clear on our intentions and expectations? I don’t want any sharks lurking at the bottom of the ocean thank you!
We do not need to leave ourselves wide open and expose our vulnerabilities to men who do not treat us respectfully. Neither do we need validation or permission to be loved. We are already loved if we already love ourselves and we certainly do not need permission. Be mindful of our negative beliefs, thinking and patterns and aim to change the course of direction they are taking us. We can change them by thinking positively about ourselves and surrendering and making peace with our past experiences. Put them to bed. They have no place in your present or your future.
We may have experienced a traumatic relationship and may fear it may happen again, we may have such a low opinion of ourselves that it effects the way in which we are treated by others. Our negative thoughts and belief systems cause more negative experiences that reinforce the fear and negativity believed to start with! It is not just women who hold these belief systems within us: it’s men too. Just as we want to feel good about ourselves, believe positive things about ourselves we want to attract a man who truly feels good about himself too. An unhappy man cannot love a woman fairly or healthily until, he himself is happy. He will only serve to make an unhappy woman unhappier and a drive a positive woman into the depths of unhappiness. We must change our thinking and negative thought patterns to attract a positive man who is attracted to our positive thought processes.Now I’m not for a minute saying to stay away from men who have had traumatic experiences nor am I saying that if we as women have experienced unpleasant relationships or had traumatic experiences we can never have a successful relationship, but what I am saying loud and clear is do not let them (the experiences) dictate who you are and how you behave and more importantly how and what they make us feel or believe about ourselves.
Until we recognise, confront and aim to change these negative thought patterns and belief systems in ourselves we will always be attracting that which we most fear or think about. It begins with awareness. Awareness is the catalyst for change. Part of becoming aware is to accept and surrender to our fears. To be aware of them but do not feed them. Why feed an angry wolf when you can feed a loving one?
Give thought to that which makes us smile, laugh and sing; gives us a sense of hope and joy and belief in our dreams. Hold positive thoughts about the types of relationships we do want not the ones we most fear. Mr Right not Mr Wrong.
In saying that we need to recognise and acknowledge what we don’t want before we can claim what we do. Acknowledge our fears but don’t feed them. I came across this American parable below and regulalry try to apply to my life.
Native American Parable
An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it’s between two wolves. One wolf is evil—he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority and ego.
The other is good—he is joy, peace, love, hope sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
The same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too.”
They thought about this for a minute, and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win, Grandfather?”
The elder simply replied, “The one you feed.”
Which one will you feed?