Chapter 12- Start With You


Please find another excerpt taken from Chapter 2 called Start With You. I hope you enjoy and that some of this may ring true.

Chapter 12:  Start with You

These are self-esteem battering and, at worst, abusive relationships and unless you want to keep experiencing the same death march each time, I strongly advise you take a deep breath, embrace a new approach and follow these steps to Mr Right. But first it starts with you and the way you perceive yourself; how you feel about yourself. If you are ready to be honest with yourself and do some soul-searching (it doesn’t have to be a long and arduous task) and embrace a new approach you are halfway there!

I have asked myself time and time again, ‘Why have I deserved this treatment again?’ and even wondered why the world was punishing me. Why were most of my friends settled down and living happy healthy relationships and lives and here am I trawling through painful relationship after painful relationship getting it wrong time and time again. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t they see what a catch I was? I’m intelligent, loving, caring, independent, vivacious and positive. It took me over a decade to dissect the questions I was asking only to realise that I was asking the wrong questions. The question was not, “What was wrong with me?” but “Why am I attracting the wrong man for me?” The question was not, “Why can’t they see what a catch I am?” but “Why couldn’t I see what a good catch I was?” What was wrong with me was that I had allowed my sense of self-worth and self-esteem to be dictated and defined by the way these men had treated me. I had somehow subconsciously agreed that I had deserved it and in doing so kept on attracting the same type of man into my experience.

Now I imagine you’re reading this now protesting, “No I have a high sense of self-esteem and self-worth!” I did. Well if that is the case why do we keep attracting and staying with the same kind of unavailable men who hold us in such unsatisfying and negative situations? The answer is; it is us. It is we who are holding ourselves in this unhappy and unhealthy situation, we who have chosen this path and we who have chosen this man.  What we need to ask ourselves is, “Why have we chosen this particular man and path?” and “What are our expectations?” Do we deep down, expect these men to walk away from us, to hurt us and abandon us or do we expect this man to offer us an equal loving and stable relationship based on honesty and mutual respect? If we are expecting the latter and getting the opposite and stay what does this say about our sense of self-worth; our sense of self-esteem? Equally if we are expecting the worst and receive the worst and stay put the same question can be posed, what does this say about our sense of self-worth; our sense of self-esteem?

Belief Systems

Belief systems are deeply ingrained beliefs we have about ourselves and the world around us. These are created and formed at an early age and affected by experiences and events we experience. Our belief systems can be affected by the way we are treated by others or made to feel. They can also be affected by other peoples’ opinions or perceptions. For example, if a child is told by people in “authority” or “authoritative positions” over and over again that they are clumsy, thick and will never get anywhere it is most likely the child not only hear these words, they will ‘feel’ these words and associate these words with themselves. Every time they hear them they begin to believe these words apply to them. They will live out these words and most likely fulfill these false prophecies formed by someone else’s misguided opinion.  If they are told they are “unlovable” as a child and they experience a lack of love from those who are meant to love them, most likely they will find it harder to accept and believe they deserve to be loved just for being who they are. Perhaps they will try and change who they really are in order to fit in or conform hence deep in their deep belief system they believe that in order to be loved they must conform; they must not be themselves. How long can a person live this way, concealing who they really are? How can a person really truly love themselves if they cannot be themselves? Truly. How healthy is it to live your life believing that to be loved you need to live by someone else’s standards? Everyone deserves to be loved. No one is any more or less worthy. However, when we live through these kinds of experiences without being fully aware of the affects upon our own thinking or sense of self we become littered with false and dangerous belief systems that have been dictated to us by those who, quite often, already have negative belief systems about themselves.

If we as a child have been abandoned or neglected, we may as adults suffer from a deep seated fear of abandonment. We may fear that everyone we become close to will eventually leave and abandon us. We may end up catering so heavily to somebody else’s needs that we forget our own. This relationship is unhealthy and based on the belief system that you are not worthy enough to be loved. If you have not placed your needs, wants and desires high up on that ladder of importance why would or should anyone else? I am a big believer that whatever we thoughts we hold in our belief system we will attract. Like attracts like. That what we focus on the most will always transpire into our conscious lives. Have you ever been in a situation when you’ve feared the worst and when the worst happens you say, almost triumphantly, “I knew that was going to happen!” Well of course it did it’s what you believed to be true! In the past, the relationships I had attracted and the men I had chosen perfectly matched my deep rooted belief that I didn’t deserve to be loved and that I will eventually be bitterly let down. Well at least a perfect match! How could I possibly be a victim when I have simply attracted what I believed to be true?

Change your thinking and your thinking will change you!!

23 thoughts on “Chapter 12- Start With You

  1. This apply to men also. wat a person should have to do is learning to think positive and accept mankind being than beliving else phylosophy.

    • Thanks Alfa. Yes I think it is all about changing your thinking so that you think positively about your self and therefore reflect positive things/people in. Acceptance is also important but if a someone is making you feel constantly bad or unworthy we don’t have to accept its.

  2. So true. You have to start by working on yourself and improving yourself and finding out your values, boundaries, beliefs, compatibilities, before you can interlink your life with another. Ah the heart ache I could save people if they would just listen to this truth . . . but then again I’ve learned the hard way time and time again myself.

    • Aww thanks thelovemanifesto. Me too. I’ve learnt the hard way which is why I’ve woken up. Never again! Time to refine boundaries and put myself first. Good for you as you are too! I guess a lesson learnt and progress is learnt best through experience albeit painful.

      You can help others by sharing your experiences and story if you want. Just go tobthe Share My Story! Section or email me at

      Love 🙂

  3. yes danni absolutely true BUT feel you should also warn your readers that there is a “second stage” of this particular “disease” After all these relationships where the person not truly believing they deserve to be loved picking the wrong people time and time again sometimes they do finally wake up and say to themselves hey I do deserve to be loved by a WORTHY person these little things I notice and dont like from day 1 are important when choosing a partner so in future i will take heed of them some people can end up taking it too far and then setting the bar too high dismissing all and sundry for the slightest reason missing opportunities without even trying never realising that the true reason behind this is not that theres anything wrong with the people they are now rejecting but more the fact they are now actively avoiding relationships bypassing the stress and heartache of the merry-go-round worse still alot of these people dont even realise this is what they are doing and if you actually talk to them about it they will tell you “they want a relationship” “they feel lonely” “they dont understand why they cant find anyone decent” its important (as with most things in life) to find a happy medium to respect yourself enough ignore these people who are not even capable of loving you but open-minded enough to recognize Mr or Ms Perfect just doesnt exist

  4. Ok. Are you saying the second stage of the problem is not giving love a chance?
    I don’t think there is a Mr Perfect, as no one us perfect. What is perfect? But I think rather than Mr Right or Mr Perfect- it’s more of a Right-for-You. I guess someone who challenges you and makes you want to be a better person. Someone who loves you at your best and loves you at your worst, is honest and true, and respects you as an equal. That’s my Mr Right-the fundamentals. Will be exploring the idea of Mr Right in the book as it seems to be a hot topic. Also others definitions if Mr Right. What’s yours?

  5. I so need this blog! Just told my Mr Wrong today he has to go…he ticks all the boxes to passive aggressive. Great information you have here and I may even write about him to put on here. I think that would really “seal the deal”.

    • Oh yeah. The old passive aggressive parasites that eat away all your time and energy and drain you of your natural happiness! I know the one. Oh gosh. Get out while you can. Just from the little I’ve seen you are an absolutely amazing woman who dies NOT need that bullcrap. You are beautiful, talented, sensitive, caring and like,me have a desire to nuture and care. (You’re doing a Nursing degree is it?) I would love for you to share your story. You can email me at You can make it completely anonymous and create your own name. (I am for some if mine!) Seal the deal Jiltaroo! X

  6. I will definitely write about it very soon. I will probably put it in my blog,,,he doesn’t read it as it’s “not about him”. I’ll keep you posted and I’m following your blog know it’s excellent. Thank you for your lovely words about me :), you’re too kind. Hopefully I will be starting the nursing degree next year and I would really like to explore that “spiritual” side more too.

  7. This entry was very timely and has inspired me to write about my own situation that stomped on my feelings earlier this afternoon. Thanks for the wonderful reminder to never let em get you down. 🙂

  8. You’ve actually motivated me to wash the dishes and finish re-organizing my kitchen. 🙂 “How long can a person live this way, concealing who they really are? How can a person really truly love themselves if they cannot be themselves? Truly. How healthy is it to live your life believing that to be loved you need to live by someone else’s standards?” How beautifully empowering your words are. And this is fabulous: “How could I possibly be a victim when I have simply attracted what I believed to be true?” Wonderfully empowering. I can feel your strength and love in what you write — and it is beautiful. To discover and embrace our own standards, to know what makes us uniquely tick amidst all the internal messages that can strive to work against us is worthy, dignified and necessary work. Thanks for your authenticity and the power of your words and convictions.

  9. Pingback: How to Stop Obsessing Over a Narcissitic Relationship (Reblog from Roberta) | Vital Simplicity

  10. Pingback: Would You Like a Dedication in the Mr Wrong Book? | Mr Wrong

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