Episode- Always the Bridesmaid Never the Bride.
I slouched down on my homely, hotel bed- my only source of refuge in this pitiful hour. How could I face the world outside this room again? I stared at the four walls before pulling out my laptop and logging onto Match. A friend had signed me up a few weeks ago and after Mr- Couldn’t-Keep-It=In-His-Pants was caught with his pants down at the latest staff do with the Teaching Assistant.
“Plenty more fish in the sea!” she said.
“If we don’t find you a match on Match then the world really has gone barking mad!” she’d cried triumphantly.
I’d gwwarffed and made light but put up a profile nonetheless. Being a teacher, I wasn’t risking recognition so I put up a picture of Wonder Woman. When asked why I’d joke because you’ll be wondering why I this woman is still single! It normally went down like a dead weight followed by radio silence or a polite one word response along the lines of “I see” or “Ok then.”
But I’d managed to reel in a fish and this one was the real deal. He was witty, sharp and intelligent and I enjoyed his playful banter. He too, had a pseudo character: Super Ted. It was an immediate connection as not only did we both have obscure character profiles but Super Ted was one of my favourite cartoons of the 80s. I always wondered why he chose Spotty Man, who looked like a banana, as a side kick?
ST: Hi Wonder Woman.
WW: Super Ted.
ST: How’s your weekend going?
ST: What happened?
WW: Let’s just say if I was Wonder Woman I’d fly right out of it!….I’ve made a tit out of myself again.
ST: Oh I know the feeling. I’m well versed in tits (being one that is!) *blush*
WW: Cheeky. I bet you any money I’m a bigger one.
ST: I hope you’ve got bigger ones. Hee hee where are you?
WW: I’m in Oxford
ST: Oxford! Me too!
ST: Do you know Churchley Hotel?
I grabbed my map. It was less than 5 minutes away!
WW: Yes..I’m 5mins away!!
ST: Me too! Meet me there in 5!
I was beyond excited now. Six weeks and I was finally going to meet my mystery man. Super Ted revealed. Wonder Woman and Super Ted meet at last! My heart was pounding and I felt my mouth go dry. It was happening. It was on!
I grabbed my clutch, pulled out my lipstick and puckered. In a frantic frenzy I retouched, re-plucked and reapplied all the while pulling out new appliances from my make-up bag holding my pocket mirror close to my face as I sat upright amongst coloured bottles, powders and pads strewn across my bed. It was if I, a modest natural beauty, had transformed into a make-up fiend. Wonder Woman style. Shit. I forgot to reply.
Ten minutes later I typed.
WW: See you in 5.
He winked. I fainted inside.
I walked my most graceful walk up to Churchley Hotel-shoulders back, back straight. I was the picture of grace itself. I felt like I was some kind of floating ghost (the good kind) as my hemline gently swept across the cobbled streets of Oxfordshire. Then I saw the outline of a man. My legs turned to jelly and my hemline turned against me. Instead of sweeping the streets gracefully, it started to trick me and trip me up (or was it just my now clumsy feet out of step?) It was dark and in all honestly, I was now struggling to make out what was in front of me. I could see the blurry outline of Churchley Hotel towering high above me.
An involuntary cry escaped from my mouth as I walked towards the outline.
We were like two mating birds in Summer responding to each other’s calls. How romantic.
The mysterious outline turned around and let out a cry.
And there was ‘my’ Super Ted standing right in front of me. The only problem being, he wasn’t my Super Ted at all.
It was Andrew-The-Arsehole….
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